"It wasn't because of the relationship. It was before that. You just came off as arrogant"
This is a paraphrase. I'm not in the mood to go back to look for the actual quote, but I'm thankful I was told this because at that point I remember who Ricky before Riki was. The mistake I made in that relationship isn't necessarily a bad thing if I was with someone who actually loved me enough to fight with me for us to work. It was bad because of who I did it with.
I planned a future and everything revolved around her. There was not a single goal that I made that didn't revolve around her, whether it be location of the indoor basketball gymnasium, or the type of house that was built, or how much I planned on travelling.
EVERYTHING was built around HER.
So when I realised that she didn't want to be with me anymore and I gave her the out she wanted, I was LOST. I didn't remember why I did anything anymore so I went to try to get her back and when she gave me no indication that she wanted a future with me, I went into a deep dark depression. I was empty. I had no motivation.
I knew I made a mistake building my life around her when I told her that I no longer have any motivation because she was my motivation and she told me "I never asked you to do that." I had no confidence. I had really low self esteem. I kept thinking that something was wrong with me. I kept wondering what it was about me that was so horrible that she would just leave and never look back.
It got worse and worse because it didn't take her long to tell me to move on and return the ring. I wasn't humbled. I was destroyed.
But when he said that I remembered. "I'm Ricky"
That was the beginning of the serious climb back. I remembered that "arrogance" that they spoke about. It was an overwhelming amount of confidence that people just took as me being full of myself. It wasn't. I'm not arrogant. I'm not cocky. I'm not full of myself.
I just know I'm the best.
I forgot that. I forgot that trying to make another human happy. A human who was only there when things were fun and easy.
I dwelt on that a lot. I blamed her for my depression. I blamed her for the nights I wished I would just fall asleep so the pain would stop. I blamed her for my sitting on the edge of the bed crying to God to please just take me away from here. I understood suicidal people because of her. I hated her. I wished I had never ever met her. I wished she never existed. (i actually still do but that's not the point lol)
But then that statement. "I was too arrogant."
I wasn't arrogant then. I was confident. But when it came to the relationship, I let arrogance overshadow reality. I knew who she was from before the beginning of the relationship. I knew she would check out and leave eventually. That's what she does. She even told me that. But I thought, "nah, she won't do that to Ricky" instead of using wisdom. Through all my confidence I knew that human beings are not to be trusted. Bad habits die hard. I always had confidence in my abilities but the arrogance made me believe that I could change a human being.
So all the pain. All the hurt. That was MY fault. I knew better. I was never the type to commit 100% to anything that involved another humans decisions. I always left room for error. But arrogance made me a fool.
I laughed at the moment. There was still pain in my heart but there was that little speck of Ricky somewhere in my heart. I stood up and I looked in the mirror and I cursed myself out for almost an hour. Everything wasn't fixed at that moment but for the first time in months looking at my face in the mirror covered with water from my tears, I thought;
"Damn. You real good looking though"
Am I back to being confident? Yes. Even more now. I went through the worst experience of my life and I came back. I crawled back. I stood up and dusted myself back off and realised that people are rooting for me. All of a sudden I could hear the people telling me I'm great. I was seeing that I had impact. I was influential. I spent so much time trying to feel appreciated by one person when many people were screaming to me how much I mean to them.
Honestly, I feel more like I can't be stopped like never before. I feel my value again. I feel the greatness inside me again. I love it. I LOVE IT!! If he felt arrogance before, he's gonna feel it even more now.
As much as I went from a smooth stone with a few chips before the relationship to a rough ugly broken chipped up stone now, one thing hasn't changed. I still feel like this rock could do anything.
As to how I feel about her? I don't know. I mean we're not enemies. I don't hate her anymore. Not really. There's bitterness that runs really really really deep that I'm praying would go away, but I no longer worry about her. I no longer want to know how she's doing. I no longer care to see her anymore. I don't even know the last time we spoke and I'm ok with that.
I do admit I feel bad for her sometimes. I mean... she was with RICKY and let that get away. lol
Queenie was telling me that she doesn't even read my blogs anymore. I remembered when I wrote a ton of blogs. I need to get back to that. Most of these blogs are so dark and depressing though. I'll do better ;)
I'm not even reading this over!