Growing Old and Not Succeeding Fast Enough

I spend a lot of time thinking about life. One of the things I've been thinking about a lot lately was growing old. 

The thoughts started when I walked by a house and I saw an elderly lady in bed. She was bed ridden. There was a nurse on the porch just chilling. Every time I pass by I see her looking out the window unable to go anywhere, unable to do anything.

Is this what the future holds for me? 

I'm at a weird point in my life where being alive isn't a big deal. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just don't care to be alive. I don't care about the future. I'm just here thinking of different ways to express myself through art. 

I'm also frustrated because I don't have enough money. I've never been one to care about money but now, I have to. I have to look for ways to make more. I have to try to come up with ideas to add income. 

What annoys me most about this is that I am where I am because I refused to live my life the way my mother wanted me to so she put me out. I am 31 years old and was still expected to not get tattoos, cut my hair, trim my beard, wear the right type of clothes, get a boring 9-5 and waste my life away and all the BS. And because I refused to act like a child, she felt the need to show me that her views on my life are more important then I was. 

It didn't surprise me because my ex was the same way. They say you end up being with a girl that's like your mother and they are so right. 

Before the breakup, the lowest point in my life was probably when my (now) ex and my mother - two of the 4 people that I was working hard for- tried to get me to disregard my life's goal and journey and get a regular 9-5 job. Thinking back on this, me getting a regular job would have been bad for me but good for them. They didn't care about what I wanted or my happiness or goals. They cared about what benefitted them. 

I've learned that a vast majority of people really only care about how you could benefit them and not what they could do to help you. Then there are those who appreciate what efforts you make for them and still make efforts to help you. 

I'm not in the best position financially. Things are getting a bit out of hand. I'm about to have to get help soon. I actually already got help from someone and she doesn't even understand how much it means to me and how I will never ever forget that. I don't forget the people who abandoned me because I didn't become who they wanted me to and I don't forget those who helped me. 

I no longer have it in my heart to prove anyone wrong who doubted me or shove my wins in the face of people who tried to get me to quit. Right now I'm just going with the flow and seeing where life takes me. 

I want to travel. I want to go places I don't know and create masterpieces. 

I feel stuck. 

I hate paying rent because I feel like I have to stay here. 

At this point I'm just putting my thoughts on paper. 

I'm going to stop. 

Discouraged. 

 

 

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