Growing Old and Not Succeeding Fast Enough by Richardo Hill

I spend a lot of time thinking about life. One of the things I've been thinking about a lot lately was growing old. 

The thoughts started when I walked by a house and I saw an elderly lady in bed. She was bed ridden. There was a nurse on the porch just chilling. Every time I pass by I see her looking out the window unable to go anywhere, unable to do anything.

Is this what the future holds for me? 

I'm at a weird point in my life where being alive isn't a big deal. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just don't care to be alive. I don't care about the future. I'm just here thinking of different ways to express myself through art. 

I'm also frustrated because I don't have enough money. I've never been one to care about money but now, I have to. I have to look for ways to make more. I have to try to come up with ideas to add income. 

What annoys me most about this is that I am where I am because I refused to live my life the way my mother wanted me to so she put me out. I am 31 years old and was still expected to not get tattoos, cut my hair, trim my beard, wear the right type of clothes, get a boring 9-5 and waste my life away and all the BS. And because I refused to act like a child, she felt the need to show me that her views on my life are more important then I was. 

It didn't surprise me because my ex was the same way. They say you end up being with a girl that's like your mother and they are so right. 

Before the breakup, the lowest point in my life was probably when my (now) ex and my mother - two of the 4 people that I was working hard for- tried to get me to disregard my life's goal and journey and get a regular 9-5 job. Thinking back on this, me getting a regular job would have been bad for me but good for them. They didn't care about what I wanted or my happiness or goals. They cared about what benefitted them. 

I've learned that a vast majority of people really only care about how you could benefit them and not what they could do to help you. Then there are those who appreciate what efforts you make for them and still make efforts to help you. 

I'm not in the best position financially. Things are getting a bit out of hand. I'm about to have to get help soon. I actually already got help from someone and she doesn't even understand how much it means to me and how I will never ever forget that. I don't forget the people who abandoned me because I didn't become who they wanted me to and I don't forget those who helped me. 

I no longer have it in my heart to prove anyone wrong who doubted me or shove my wins in the face of people who tried to get me to quit. Right now I'm just going with the flow and seeing where life takes me. 

I want to travel. I want to go places I don't know and create masterpieces. 

I feel stuck. 

I hate paying rent because I feel like I have to stay here. 

At this point I'm just putting my thoughts on paper. 

I'm going to stop. 

Discouraged. 

 

 

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Saturday March 17th, 2018 by Richardo Hill

I have accomplished enough today. I spend way too much time on bored panda watching the masterpieces that others have created while feeling frustrated by my own incapabilities.  I hate that I have all this potential and sometimes I spend way too long watching Netflix. 

I want to learn the guitar but I have no idea where to start but I can't today because all I feel like doing is creating something. I don't know what to create. 

My mind went back to secondary school when I drew stickmen in a war and made comics out of Dragon Ball Z. I hated school so much that I wrote probably half of a novel. I was creative. All I wanted to do was create. 

 

I don't know how I got so far away from it. What changed? and why am I all of a sudden feeling the NEED to create again. What does this mean? Why am I wasting time? 

do better Ricky. 

DO BETTER! 

 

I feel nothing by Richardo Hill

I guess this is better than depression. Actually it is. ANYTHING is better than depression. Either way I lack all forms of motivation. I'm honestly just going through the motions. I'm listening to old school music trying to get some kinda nostalgic feeling. It's like a numb feeling. It's a hollow feeling. 

It's not like depression in that I could still do my work without feeling an overwhelming desire NOT to do it AT ALL. 

Anyway, I just want to feel something. Hopefully something good like hype, or excitement. In the meantime I'm waiting for this coffee to cool so I could take a photo.

 

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Sea Roaches are a thing by Richardo Hill

Went to the beach yesterday and ate a ton of chicken wings. Like too many chicken wings. I threw the bones in the sea to feed the fishes. 

 

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So then I noticed things running under the sand as soon as the water "went back" (receded? is that right? Went back sounds so weird and wrong). Then I remembered the first time someone told me sea roaches and how to catch them. Then I remembered setting bait for them to use them as bait. We took a piece of fish, tied it to a piece of string, tied that to a stick, stuck it in the sand close to the water's end. They run up in no time. Anyway, they came because of the chicken bones, so I caught one to show y'all.

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Yea that's it.

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Sometimes I don't sleep by Richardo Hill

I don't really know why. It's not always about me doing work. Sometimes I just don't sleep. Sometimes my mind just wants to stay up. I would close my eyes and let Netflix run in the background in hopes that I just drift off.

But sometimes I don't.

I have sat up in bed and saw light appearing outside. 

The weird thing is I would have energy all day. LITERALLY ALL DAY! When night finally comes again I sometimes go through the same struggle.

Sometimes when I do sleep I get weird dreams. Like WEIRD dreams. I would drift away and a dream I was having months ago that I completely forgot about would just...continue. It's crazy. I do admit that it entertains me but sometimes the dreams left off with me waking up glad that it was all a dream. Now I have to face the consequences for dream Ricky's reckless living. 

I had a good night's rest last night. My dream was weird but it was influenced by watching Travelers on Netflix. Great show! Watch it!

Right now I'm in a weird place emotionally. I'm not depressed. I just feel out of body. I feel like I'm not in reality. I feel like everything is a dream. I'm looking at this view that I've grown so accustomed to and it looks... like... something I've seen on TV. I'm not sure how else to explain it. 

I have to get ready to go do a job then figure out what the rest of the day is going to be like. I need to do a video for youtube. 

I got most of my work done so I should be able to work on that soon. I need to make youtube a priority but now that I have to pay rent, I can't just not do jobs to make that happen. I'll figure it out. I'm Ricky. I always figure things out. I always adapt. Things always work out.

 

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So much to do by Richardo Hill

I just find it really hard to get my mind focused on one task when I have too much to do. I have to write everything down. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. I get so dizzy and confused. I start to walk up and down trying to complete two tasks at once. I'm annoyed right now so I decided to just write. 

Writing seems like it's taking too much of the little time that I have but it's better than being frustrated.

I hate when I have things to do for people and they aren't getting done. HATE. I don't even know why it bothers me this much. My head hurts. I hardly slept last night. I just want to eat and drink coffee and keep going. That's not healthy. That's not healthy at all. 

I can't think of anything else to do though. I still haven't organised myself for this year yet. I'm battling with whether I should start a Patreon or not. I can't even begin to edit the vlog footage I have. I "took a week off" and I regret it. 

As if I am anywhere close to where I need to be to be taking time off. I have to be crazy. My phone's charging port isn't working and the battery dies really really fast. 

I have the best day of the year yesterday though. Probably gonna get sick because of it but it was worth it.

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My head is spinning. I have work to do. Time to get back to that....

Ok. What do I do now? 

Eat.

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I wanna blog more by Richardo Hill

but I don't really know what I want to blog about. I do realise that I always spell realise as realize and I'm hoping that I would stop after this sentence. Is this a case of England English vs. American English? I think England English should win since English was named after them. Just saying. I don't think I needed to capitalise (also a s instead of z? really? wow) english. I really overthink this grammar thing. Probably because my mother knocked proper grammar in my head since i was a youngling. I cared about spelling too (the difference between too and to are also very important) but autocorrect made me lazy just like calculators made me never do mental math after school. 

Does that mean I've lost brain power? Does all this easy access to answers make us mentally lazy? Should I TRY to use my brain to do these tasks more? Am I not a millionaire now because I could right click millionare and change it to millionaire (who knew there was an "i")? It would be horrible if I had to actually WRITE a paragraph. Someone told me to write my name recently and the pen felt so unnatural in my hand. is this what I have become? Is this the future? AM I DYING!!?!?! 

Well technically I am. What was I going to say in the first paragraph again?

oh yea...

I do realise that once I start writing a blog then the words would just flow, but I find it difficult to start.

wow lol 

 

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Doubt by Richardo Hill

Deep thoughts.

Wondering why I do what I do.
Wondering why I try.
Wondering if its even worth it.
Wondering how long it would take before all my work pays off. 

It's hard to believe that I'm not wasting myself sometimes.

Am I delusional? 

I am a pretty confident person, but is that folly? 

I hate doubt but it comes sometimes. Who am I doing this for anymore? Me? Do I even care anymore? 

I was delusional in my previous relationship and look how that turned out. What's to say it won't turn out the same way with my "career" path? 

Should I say how I feel? Who do I talk to? Does anyone care? 

Again, who am I doing this for? I don't remember. I hate not remembering. Why don't I give up? Everyone else gives up on me anyway. 

I hate doubt. Doubt loves me. Doubt leads to discouragement. 

I want to give up.
Live normal.
Love easy.
Be a slave to society.

I can't survive that way for too long though. I'll be depressed. 

I'm already depressed. But then I'll be stressed and depressed. 

I want to give up. 

Sigh.

Who am i kidding? I can't give up. I'm too determined. 

Shut up and accept it then Ricky. Time to keep fighting. 

Keep
Fighting

Wednesday, September 6th 2017 by Richardo Hill

You can't say you love someone but you constantly do something you know could hurt them. Love is SHOWN by your actions. 

When you ask them to stop doing something to you and they continue to do it, it's clear that what you say is NOT important to them. That's not love.

Don't believe anyone who shows little care but says all the right words. Words are empty. If I say I don't want to hurt you but I slap you everyday.

You'll obviously know that I don't mean what they say. So don't accept the same thing with your emotions. Your face can heal faster.

Sometimes you're putting all the effort even though you "love" each other, like you're always trying to contact them, always asking if they ok, always trying to help, but they just act like you're a normal person. Wake up!

It's one sided.

"I wish I was brave like you to just quit my job and start a career" by Richardo Hill

You call it brave. I call it ignoring the comfortable for purpose. 

I have been called stupid, lazy, irresponsible, spoiled, immature, etc. by people who complain about waking up every morning. I'm honestly tired of those people. I feel bad for them too. They just fit into a system that they hate and take it out on others. I don't look forward to Friday and I don't hate Mondays. Everyday is the same to me. I woke up this morning at 7:30 WELL rested and wide awake. 

Sometimes I have $20 in my name and no money coming in for a week but I still have my time to learn, to improve, to read about different thing like being a better leader. I work on my weaknesses. They may never become a strength but at least I'm not as weak as I once was in that area. Everyday I learn. Yesterday I learned one simple trick about changing settings in my camera that could make colour correcting easier. A simple 2 minute video could potentially take my videos to a whole nother level. Just like that. (Actually, I can't make the change in my camera so that's depressing,  but my point still stands).

If you're miserable in your job then don't take it out on me. Change your situation. Believe me it's worth it. I'm not a morning person. I started cleaning my room before 10 am. Why? Make myself uncomfortable to improve. I learned more and was force to grow more in my last relationship because relationships aren't comfortable. Discomfort is necessary. I did a shoot practicing with fire and every single shot failed. EVERY SINGLE ONE! We took like 100 shots. But we learned. The discomfort of failure helped us learn. The discomfort of trying again and again after failure helped us learn.

 The best photo of the failed photoshoot

The best photo of the failed photoshoot

Patience is important. I've been doing YouTube for over 2 years and don't even have 1000 subs. "You wasting your time Ricky" Oh? I remember when I use to get 10-20 views per video. Not I get 300-500. That's a significant % increase. The negative mindset is what drives people to failure. They look at it as wasting time. I see progress. I'm patient. I'll wait. I'll save. I'll get better gear. I'll miss out on the $200 fete and buy a tripod. 2 years later I'll make thousands because of that tripod. Meanwhile you'll be chasing the next fete trying to get another high. Don't get me wrong, fun is important but its not everything. 

10 years ago I made the worst YouTube video possible and it got 1000 views. That is HUGE for back then. I wanted fun so I didn't continue. Imagine if i kept going with YouTube. Some of those people are millionaires now. I think about that sometimes. I wonder what would've been if I just followed what I wanted to do. You can continue to say whatever you want about me but I'm done looking back and asking "what if?".

Ricky....

What if a gun was to my head by Richardo Hill

What if someone puts a gun to my head and asks me "why should I let you live?"
.

What would I say?

I thought about this long and hard one night when I wondered what would happen if someone broke in.

I plan for things like that in my head. Not like it matters since nothing goes according to plan.

Then as expected my mind drifted to what happens if everything goes wrong. What's the worst that could happen?

That's usually my first thought.

Now I know someone breaking in to put a gun to my head to ask me why they should let me live is HIGHLY unlikely.

The question still remains. What will I say?

Honestly.

I don't know.
 

Kill feelings. Release Savage. by Richardo Hill

This was new to me. 
I didn't know how to deal with it. 
I got lost in the emotion. I searched for a way out. I got even deeper into the darkness. 
Sometimes I felt like I was heading in the right direction only to find a dead end. 

Nothing worked. 

I heard all the advice....

"FIND YOURSELF"
"FIX IT"
"DO WHAT YOU LOVE!"
"WORK ON YOU"
"BECOME A BETTER RICKY"
 

*

*

*

*

*

I heard you. I listened to all of you. I tried everything everyone said. Nothing worked. I kept finding dead ends. I even ended back to the beginning. 

Then I remembered.

The one time I almost felt something like this. Just the initial stages. I remembered how I fixed it. 

I stopped crawling along the edge trying to find the exit. I closed my eyes and I

JUMPED 

I didn't try to fight the feelings. I didn't just let the pain hurt. I let it consume me. 

Falling through the dark ugly emotions. I felt it all. 
 

  • Anger
  • Sadness
  • Regret
  • Frustration
  • Discouragement
  • Depression
  • Betrayal

Everything I felt all hitting me at once with no mercy. I took it. I embraced it. 
It became too much. I reached for the edge. I couldn't stop myself. 

I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!

then...

Out of nowhere

I hit the ground.

I hit so hard I bounced

I just lay there. This is it. It can't get any more worse than this. Then out of nowhere the pressure got stronger. The ground below me started to crack. I couldn't breathe. They were trying to push me below rock bottom. I place that shouldn't exist. 

trying....to....breathe.....

trying.......to...........breathe.....

trying.........

*flatline*


 

I'm done with 2017 by Richardo Hill

You know when you have your entire future mentally planned out? Not the specifics. I've never been good at specific planning.

Just general planning. You know...

House

Wife

Children

Enough money to not have to care

And then you and your fiance break up and all of a sudden none of those plans matter anymore. 

That's how my 2017 started. 

The worst emotions I have ever felt in my life hit me all at once at the start of this year. Still trying to fully recover. Getting there. 

So I decided to just bury myself in work. Just work work work, play ps4, work, work work. 

And I'm not one to really dwell on bad things that happen in my life, but this is one thing that seems to take forever to get over. 

The year just keeps hitting me with different difficulties over and over and over again. I get it. That's how life works, but I've never been hit this much and this hard in one year and it's just the second month. 

To top it all off, I'm trying to get my work computer to come on but it isn't. I have videos to do for clients. I have all my footage that I took for my vlogs. That's where I edit my vlogs. I have no idea what to do. 

I CAN'T WORK!!! 

I know it's probably just some minor thing and it would eventually work again. I just feel so frustrated that I had to...write...

It doesn't seem to be helping though.

"Ricky is lazy." The Blog Version by Richardo Hill

I spent all day editing photos and I'm up at midnight editing a video in a way I never edited one before. That video will go up on YouTube and i may make $1-3 for it. Its not going to go viral. I may get a few encouraging words for it. I may get some constructive criticism that could help me improve. 


The thing is, some people are going to hear me say that I'm broke and automatically assume that I'm home doing nothing and I get called lazy by people who sit on the outside and ask me no.questions. All they know is that Ricky doesn't do what everyone else is doing therefore Ricky is lazy and is wasting time. 


One day I'll actually make something out of this YouTube madness. I don't know or care how long it takes. It's going to work.


Just don't act like you believed in me the whole time.

***********

I wrote this last night because I'm getting more and more tired of this. Writing really helps calm me though. 

Anyway, I plan on taking more photos just for the blog so here you go.

 

Ricky.....

I have sinned... I think by Richardo Hill

Lust is a sin.
Lust of the flesh and lust of the eye. 

I know that when people talk about lust they mean something sexual, but this lust that I experiences last night while I was unable to sleep, was... food.

I found a youtube channel that has changed my life forever. It is the most tongue watering thing I have ever seen. I sat there watching this guy cook right by rivers or waterfalls and my soul ached for the food that he made. 

I've only heard him say ONE short sentence in all the videos I have seen. It's all nature sounds and really really sexy looking food. 

let me stop wasting your time with my dry tasteless food... I actually typed food by mistake. I meant to say words. 

Here you go:

 

So now that you have seen this video, do you think that I sinned for wanting this so bad? cuz... I don't know. I just know that I really really really really really want it. 

Here's another one just because;

 

Ricky.....
 

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I'm angry by Richardo Hill

I don't want to be angry. My filter disappears when I'm angry. I don't care when I'm angry. I just say how I feel. 
I don't know what to do about it. 
I want it to stop. 
Please stop. 
Please stop feeling. 
This isn't like you

YOU DON'T LET EMOTIONS WIN!

But there's nothing I can do. I just have to feel until I can't feel anymore. 
...till I can't feel anymore. 

feel. emotions. pain. love. regret. suffering......hate.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

 

I'm confused. I don't understand.

My mind makes no sense. It's jumping all over. 

I'm making no sense. 

Stop Ricky. Stop. 

Take everything from the inside and throw it all away cuz I swear for the last time I will trust myself with you. 

Linkin Park. Thank you. 

I'm good enough for those who love me. 

Ricky..... 

It's cold. WHY IS IT COLD!?!?! by Richardo Hill

So here I sit with my fan on too lazy to come out of bed to turn it off.  My feet are cold. Why are my feet cold? Why are the nights so cold? 

I spend years in Wisconsin. It was really really really really really really cold. Like I had to cover up like this

 

 I couldn't find a single photo of me in the snow. 

I couldn't find a single photo of me in the snow. 

Now it is no where near as cold as that here, but for St. Vincent, this is cold. This is really cold. How is it 12 pm and my feet are cold? HOW!?!?!?

Just felt like documenting this. 

I've never been good enough. by Richardo Hill

but I don't care. 

I got kicked out of college twice. I tried so hard. My grades were ok, my attendance was perfect. I didn't get into much trouble. When I finally got in trouble, I got kicked out. That was the first time that I realized that trying doesn't matter. I've been told over and over and over by society, friends, family, everyone that I'm not good enough. 

They may not come right out and say it but they hint at it consistently. 

I worked at a job in which I gave everything. I gave so much that I was almost always frustrated. I quit the job. I told them I would be leaving in a month and a half. One thing went wrong and it wasn't even my fault and I was fired. The letter stated that my work was dis-satisfactory. I had that letter framed. It's now stuck on my mirror so I won't forget.

I always forget. I don't know why I get so comfortable and confident. I don't follow the rules. I make my own path. Why would I forget that and assume for a second that my best is good enough? 

I'm done being naive. 

I'm done trying to be good enough for any of you. I appreciate the effort that I know that I'm making. Just know that when I make it, I'm going Kanye on y'all.