Doubt by Richardo Hill

Deep thoughts.

Wondering why I do what I do.
Wondering why I try.
Wondering if its even worth it.
Wondering how long it would take before all my work pays off. 

It's hard to believe that I'm not wasting myself sometimes.

Am I delusional? 

I am a pretty confident person, but is that folly? 

I hate doubt but it comes sometimes. Who am I doing this for anymore? Me? Do I even care anymore? 

I was delusional in my previous relationship and look how that turned out. What's to say it won't turn out the same way with my "career" path? 

Should I say how I feel? Who do I talk to? Does anyone care? 

Again, who am I doing this for? I don't remember. I hate not remembering. Why don't I give up? Everyone else gives up on me anyway. 

I hate doubt. Doubt loves me. Doubt leads to discouragement. 

I want to give up.
Live normal.
Love easy.
Be a slave to society.

I can't survive that way for too long though. I'll be depressed. 

I'm already depressed. But then I'll be stressed and depressed. 

I want to give up. 


Who am i kidding? I can't give up. I'm too determined. 

Shut up and accept it then Ricky. Time to keep fighting. 


Wednesday, September 6th 2017 by Richardo Hill

You can't say you love someone but you constantly do something you know could hurt them. Love is SHOWN by your actions. 

When you ask them to stop doing something to you and they continue to do it, it's clear that what you say is NOT important to them. That's not love.

Don't believe anyone who shows little care but says all the right words. Words are empty. If I say I don't want to hurt you but I slap you everyday.

You'll obviously know that I don't mean what they say. So don't accept the same thing with your emotions. Your face can heal faster.

Sometimes you're putting all the effort even though you "love" each other, like you're always trying to contact them, always asking if they ok, always trying to help, but they just act like you're a normal person. Wake up!

It's one sided.

"I wish I was brave like you to just quit my job and start a career" by Richardo Hill

You call it brave. I call it ignoring the comfortable for purpose. 

I have been called stupid, lazy, irresponsible, spoiled, immature, etc. by people who complain about waking up every morning. I'm honestly tired of those people. I feel bad for them too. They just fit into a system that they hate and take it out on others. I don't look forward to Friday and I don't hate Mondays. Everyday is the same to me. I woke up this morning at 7:30 WELL rested and wide awake. 

Sometimes I have $20 in my name and no money coming in for a week but I still have my time to learn, to improve, to read about different thing like being a better leader. I work on my weaknesses. They may never become a strength but at least I'm not as weak as I once was in that area. Everyday I learn. Yesterday I learned one simple trick about changing settings in my camera that could make colour correcting easier. A simple 2 minute video could potentially take my videos to a whole nother level. Just like that. (Actually, I can't make the change in my camera so that's depressing,  but my point still stands).

If you're miserable in your job then don't take it out on me. Change your situation. Believe me it's worth it. I'm not a morning person. I started cleaning my room before 10 am. Why? Make myself uncomfortable to improve. I learned more and was force to grow more in my last relationship because relationships aren't comfortable. Discomfort is necessary. I did a shoot practicing with fire and every single shot failed. EVERY SINGLE ONE! We took like 100 shots. But we learned. The discomfort of failure helped us learn. The discomfort of trying again and again after failure helped us learn.

The best photo of the failed photoshoot

The best photo of the failed photoshoot

Patience is important. I've been doing YouTube for over 2 years and don't even have 1000 subs. "You wasting your time Ricky" Oh? I remember when I use to get 10-20 views per video. Not I get 300-500. That's a significant % increase. The negative mindset is what drives people to failure. They look at it as wasting time. I see progress. I'm patient. I'll wait. I'll save. I'll get better gear. I'll miss out on the $200 fete and buy a tripod. 2 years later I'll make thousands because of that tripod. Meanwhile you'll be chasing the next fete trying to get another high. Don't get me wrong, fun is important but its not everything. 

10 years ago I made the worst YouTube video possible and it got 1000 views. That is HUGE for back then. I wanted fun so I didn't continue. Imagine if i kept going with YouTube. Some of those people are millionaires now. I think about that sometimes. I wonder what would've been if I just followed what I wanted to do. You can continue to say whatever you want about me but I'm done looking back and asking "what if?".


What if a gun was to my head by Richardo Hill

What if someone puts a gun to my head and asks me "why should I let you live?"

What would I say?

I thought about this long and hard one night when I wondered what would happen if someone broke in.

I plan for things like that in my head. Not like it matters since nothing goes according to plan.

Then as expected my mind drifted to what happens if everything goes wrong. What's the worst that could happen?

That's usually my first thought.

Now I know someone breaking in to put a gun to my head to ask me why they should let me live is HIGHLY unlikely.

The question still remains. What will I say?


I don't know.

Kill feelings. Release Savage. by Richardo Hill

This was new to me. 
I didn't know how to deal with it. 
I got lost in the emotion. I searched for a way out. I got even deeper into the darkness. 
Sometimes I felt like I was heading in the right direction only to find a dead end. 

Nothing worked. 

I heard all the advice....







I heard you. I listened to all of you. I tried everything everyone said. Nothing worked. I kept finding dead ends. I even ended back to the beginning. 

Then I remembered.

The one time I almost felt something like this. Just the initial stages. I remembered how I fixed it. 

I stopped crawling along the edge trying to find the exit. I closed my eyes and I


I didn't try to fight the feelings. I didn't just let the pain hurt. I let it consume me. 

Falling through the dark ugly emotions. I felt it all. 

  • Anger
  • Sadness
  • Regret
  • Frustration
  • Discouragement
  • Depression
  • Betrayal

Everything I felt all hitting me at once with no mercy. I took it. I embraced it. 
It became too much. I reached for the edge. I couldn't stop myself. 



Out of nowhere

I hit the ground.

I hit so hard I bounced

I just lay there. This is it. It can't get any more worse than this. Then out of nowhere the pressure got stronger. The ground below me started to crack. I couldn't breathe. They were trying to push me below rock bottom. I place that shouldn't exist.




I'm done with 2017 by Richardo Hill

You know when you have your entire future mentally planned out? Not the specifics. I've never been good at specific planning.

Just general planning. You know...




Enough money to not have to care

And then you and your fiance break up and all of a sudden none of those plans matter anymore. 

That's how my 2017 started. 

The worst emotions I have ever felt in my life hit me all at once at the start of this year. Still trying to fully recover. Getting there. 

So I decided to just bury myself in work. Just work work work, play ps4, work, work work. 

And I'm not one to really dwell on bad things that happen in my life, but this is one thing that seems to take forever to get over. 

The year just keeps hitting me with different difficulties over and over and over again. I get it. That's how life works, but I've never been hit this much and this hard in one year and it's just the second month. 

To top it all off, I'm trying to get my work computer to come on but it isn't. I have videos to do for clients. I have all my footage that I took for my vlogs. That's where I edit my vlogs. I have no idea what to do. 


I know it's probably just some minor thing and it would eventually work again. I just feel so frustrated that I had to...write...

It doesn't seem to be helping though.

"Ricky is lazy." The Blog Version by Richardo Hill

I spent all day editing photos and I'm up at midnight editing a video in a way I never edited one before. That video will go up on YouTube and i may make $1-3 for it. Its not going to go viral. I may get a few encouraging words for it. I may get some constructive criticism that could help me improve. 

The thing is, some people are going to hear me say that I'm broke and automatically assume that I'm home doing nothing and I get called lazy by people who sit on the outside and ask me no.questions. All they know is that Ricky doesn't do what everyone else is doing therefore Ricky is lazy and is wasting time. 

One day I'll actually make something out of this YouTube madness. I don't know or care how long it takes. It's going to work.

Just don't act like you believed in me the whole time.


I wrote this last night because I'm getting more and more tired of this. Writing really helps calm me though. 

Anyway, I plan on taking more photos just for the blog so here you go.



I have sinned... I think by Richardo Hill

Lust is a sin.
Lust of the flesh and lust of the eye. 

I know that when people talk about lust they mean something sexual, but this lust that I experiences last night while I was unable to sleep, was... food.

I found a youtube channel that has changed my life forever. It is the most tongue watering thing I have ever seen. I sat there watching this guy cook right by rivers or waterfalls and my soul ached for the food that he made. 

I've only heard him say ONE short sentence in all the videos I have seen. It's all nature sounds and really really sexy looking food. 

let me stop wasting your time with my dry tasteless food... I actually typed food by mistake. I meant to say words. 

Here you go:


So now that you have seen this video, do you think that I sinned for wanting this so bad? cuz... I don't know. I just know that I really really really really really want it. 

Here's another one just because;



beard logo.png

I'm angry by Richardo Hill

I don't want to be angry. My filter disappears when I'm angry. I don't care when I'm angry. I just say how I feel. 
I don't know what to do about it. 
I want it to stop. 
Please stop. 
Please stop feeling. 
This isn't like you


But there's nothing I can do. I just have to feel until I can't feel anymore. 
...till I can't feel anymore. 

feel. emotions. pain. love. regret. suffering......hate.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.


I'm confused. I don't understand.

My mind makes no sense. It's jumping all over. 

I'm making no sense. 

Stop Ricky. Stop. 

Take everything from the inside and throw it all away cuz I swear for the last time I will trust myself with you. 

Linkin Park. Thank you. 

I'm good enough for those who love me. 


It's cold. WHY IS IT COLD!?!?! by Richardo Hill

So here I sit with my fan on too lazy to come out of bed to turn it off.  My feet are cold. Why are my feet cold? Why are the nights so cold? 

I spend years in Wisconsin. It was really really really really really really cold. Like I had to cover up like this


I couldn't find a single photo of me in the snow. 

I couldn't find a single photo of me in the snow. 

Now it is no where near as cold as that here, but for St. Vincent, this is cold. This is really cold. How is it 12 pm and my feet are cold? HOW!?!?!?

Just felt like documenting this. 

I've never been good enough. by Richardo Hill

but I don't care. 

I got kicked out of college twice. I tried so hard. My grades were ok, my attendance was perfect. I didn't get into much trouble. When I finally got in trouble, I got kicked out. That was the first time that I realized that trying doesn't matter. I've been told over and over and over by society, friends, family, everyone that I'm not good enough. 

They may not come right out and say it but they hint at it consistently. 

I worked at a job in which I gave everything. I gave so much that I was almost always frustrated. I quit the job. I told them I would be leaving in a month and a half. One thing went wrong and it wasn't even my fault and I was fired. The letter stated that my work was dis-satisfactory. I had that letter framed. It's now stuck on my mirror so I won't forget.

I always forget. I don't know why I get so comfortable and confident. I don't follow the rules. I make my own path. Why would I forget that and assume for a second that my best is good enough? 

I'm done being naive. 

I'm done trying to be good enough for any of you. I appreciate the effort that I know that I'm making. Just know that when I make it, I'm going Kanye on y'all. 


NEW WEBSITE LAYOUT! by Richardo Hill

As you are well aware, I have an updated website. I am doing everything possible to improve the quality of whatever it is I present to you. I am taking a risk trying to provide you with a website that is not only easy on the eye, but also one that would be easy to navigate.  I really hope you like it! 

Also, I get bored easily so I may change this layout a bit too much. 

I have nothing else to say.