Kill feelings. Release Savage.

This was new to me. 
I didn't know how to deal with it. 
I got lost in the emotion. I searched for a way out. I got even deeper into the darkness. 
Sometimes I felt like I was heading in the right direction only to find a dead end. 

Nothing worked. 

I heard all the advice....

"FIND YOURSELF"
"FIX IT"
"DO WHAT YOU LOVE!"
"WORK ON YOU"
"BECOME A BETTER RICKY"
 

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*

*

*

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I heard you. I listened to all of you. I tried everything everyone said. Nothing worked. I kept finding dead ends. I even ended back to the beginning. 

Then I remembered.

The one time I almost felt something like this. Just the initial stages. I remembered how I fixed it. 

I stopped crawling along the edge trying to find the exit. I closed my eyes and I

JUMPED 

I didn't try to fight the feelings. I didn't just let the pain hurt. I let it consume me. 

Falling through the dark ugly emotions. I felt it all. 
 

  • Anger
  • Sadness
  • Regret
  • Frustration
  • Discouragement
  • Depression
  • Betrayal

Everything I felt all hitting me at once with no mercy. I took it. I embraced it. 
It became too much. I reached for the edge. I couldn't stop myself. 

I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!

then...

Out of nowhere

I hit the ground.

I hit so hard I bounced

I just lay there. This is it. It can't get any more worse than this. Then out of nowhere the pressure got stronger. The ground below me started to crack. I couldn't breathe. They were trying to push me below rock bottom. I place that shouldn't exist. 

trying....to....breathe.....

trying.......to...........breathe.....

trying.........

*flatline*


 

I'm done with 2017

You know when you have your entire future mentally planned out? Not the specifics. I've never been good at specific planning.

Just general planning. You know...

House

Wife

Children

Enough money to not have to care

And then you and your fiance break up and all of a sudden none of those plans matter anymore. 

That's how my 2017 started. 

The worst emotions I have ever felt in my life hit me all at once at the start of this year. Still trying to fully recover. Getting there. 

So I decided to just bury myself in work. Just work work work, play ps4, work, work work. 

And I'm not one to really dwell on bad things that happen in my life, but this is one thing that seems to take forever to get over. 

The year just keeps hitting me with different difficulties over and over and over again. I get it. That's how life works, but I've never been hit this much and this hard in one year and it's just the second month. 

To top it all off, I'm trying to get my work computer to come on but it isn't. I have videos to do for clients. I have all my footage that I took for my vlogs. That's where I edit my vlogs. I have no idea what to do. 

I CAN'T WORK!!! 

I know it's probably just some minor thing and it would eventually work again. I just feel so frustrated that I had to...write...

It doesn't seem to be helping though.

"Ricky is lazy." The Blog Version

I spent all day editing photos and I'm up at midnight editing a video in a way I never edited one before. That video will go up on YouTube and i may make $1-3 for it. Its not going to go viral. I may get a few encouraging words for it. I may get some constructive criticism that could help me improve. 


The thing is, some people are going to hear me say that I'm broke and automatically assume that I'm home doing nothing and I get called lazy by people who sit on the outside and ask me no.questions. All they know is that Ricky doesn't do what everyone else is doing therefore Ricky is lazy and is wasting time. 


One day I'll actually make something out of this YouTube madness. I don't know or care how long it takes. It's going to work.


Just don't act like you believed in me the whole time.

***********

I wrote this last night because I'm getting more and more tired of this. Writing really helps calm me though. 

Anyway, I plan on taking more photos just for the blog so here you go.

 

Ricky.....

I have sinned... I think

Lust is a sin.
Lust of the flesh and lust of the eye. 

I know that when people talk about lust they mean something sexual, but this lust that I experiences last night while I was unable to sleep, was... food.

I found a youtube channel that has changed my life forever. It is the most tongue watering thing I have ever seen. I sat there watching this guy cook right by rivers or waterfalls and my soul ached for the food that he made. 

I've only heard him say ONE short sentence in all the videos I have seen. It's all nature sounds and really really sexy looking food. 

let me stop wasting your time with my dry tasteless food... I actually typed food by mistake. I meant to say words. 

Here you go:

 

So now that you have seen this video, do you think that I sinned for wanting this so bad? cuz... I don't know. I just know that I really really really really really want it. 

Here's another one just because;

 

Ricky.....
 

beard logo.png

I'm angry

I don't want to be angry. My filter disappears when I'm angry. I don't care when I'm angry. I just say how I feel. 
I don't know what to do about it. 
I want it to stop. 
Please stop. 
Please stop feeling. 
This isn't like you

YOU DON'T LET EMOTIONS WIN!

But there's nothing I can do. I just have to feel until I can't feel anymore. 
...till I can't feel anymore. 

feel. emotions. pain. love. regret. suffering......hate.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

 

I'm confused. I don't understand.

My mind makes no sense. It's jumping all over. 

I'm making no sense. 

Stop Ricky. Stop. 

Take everything from the inside and throw it all away cuz I swear for the last time I will trust myself with you. 

Linkin Park. Thank you. 

I'm good enough for those who love me. 

Ricky..... 

It's cold. WHY IS IT COLD!?!?!

So here I sit with my fan on too lazy to come out of bed to turn it off.  My feet are cold. Why are my feet cold? Why are the nights so cold? 

I spend years in Wisconsin. It was really really really really really really cold. Like I had to cover up like this

 

I couldn't find a single photo of me in the snow. 

I couldn't find a single photo of me in the snow. 

Now it is no where near as cold as that here, but for St. Vincent, this is cold. This is really cold. How is it 12 pm and my feet are cold? HOW!?!?!?

Just felt like documenting this. 

I've never been good enough.

but I don't care. 

I got kicked out of college twice. I tried so hard. My grades were ok, my attendance was perfect. I didn't get into much trouble. When I finally got in trouble, I got kicked out. That was the first time that I realized that trying doesn't matter. I've been told over and over and over by society, friends, family, everyone that I'm not good enough. 

They may not come right out and say it but they hint at it consistently. 

I worked at a job in which I gave everything. I gave so much that I was almost always frustrated. I quit the job. I told them I would be leaving in a month and a half. One thing went wrong and it wasn't even my fault and I was fired. The letter stated that my work was dis-satisfactory. I had that letter framed. It's now stuck on my mirror so I won't forget.

I always forget. I don't know why I get so comfortable and confident. I don't follow the rules. I make my own path. Why would I forget that and assume for a second that my best is good enough? 

I'm done being naive. 

I'm done trying to be good enough for any of you. I appreciate the effort that I know that I'm making. Just know that when I make it, I'm going Kanye on y'all. 

 

NEW WEBSITE LAYOUT!

As you are well aware, I have an updated website. I am doing everything possible to improve the quality of whatever it is I present to you. I am taking a risk trying to provide you with a website that is not only easy on the eye, but also one that would be easy to navigate.  I really hope you like it! 

Also, I get bored easily so I may change this layout a bit too much. 

I have nothing else to say.

Bye

Ricky.....