I wrote my ego down

I'm amazing

There is literally nobody else like me
I have a lovely personality
You love being around me
I stare at my reflection because I love my face
I'm talented af
I'm great at whatever I feel like being great at
My confidence knows no limit
I will never believe that I'm not the best
I have traits of a genius
I'm so far out of the box I can't even see it anymore
I could be king even if I didn't have royal blood

PAUSE!

In Norse the meaning of the name Ricky is: Ever or eternal ruler. Island ruler. Famous bearer
Those who hate me hate me because I'm better than them

In English the meaning of the name Ricky is:Abbreviation of Richard 'powerful; strong ruler.' Also a , meaning gifted ruler, people ruler

My parents knew I ran things since before I was born

CONTINUE


I'm Batman
You wish you had my self esteem
Imagine not being me
You want my life
I do what I want
I love me more than Kanye loves Kanye
I'm the most awesome human you will ever meet
I'm amazing!

but 

all of that means nothing so it really doesn't matter

but I'm still amazing though

You deserve the best

You know that
You've worked hard
You've been a good person
You deserve to be rewarded
People should give you the reward you deserve

Wait

Sometimes your actions mean you deserve negative consequences.

Also, sometimes other people deserve to be rewarded by you.

No
Stop
That doesn't fit into your philosophy
Wait. It does
But you don't care
This is about you not anyone else
You deserve good things
You're a good person

You're certainly not selfish. 
Not at all.
No way.
Cuz then what would you really deserve?

Sleepless nights and deep thoughts

My mind drives me crazy
Not literally... yet
I like to learn
I like to understand
So I think
Everything that happened flows through my mind
I notice the little things
The little things that make a huge difference
And it affects me
Negatively affect me
But I can't stop thinking
Drinking

I try to shut it off
I try to distract myself
I create noise
I destroy the silence

but my mind screams above the noise
screams the truth that I don't want to realise  
screams that I have no control

Screams that I was an idiot for not listening

Not listening to my mind

I asked God for wisdom 

I asked God for wisdom 

So I could be a better man
I didn't expect to get this much of it
I didn't expect my eyes to be opened to the point where I want them closed again.
I don't want to see it all
I don't want to understand the pain
I don't want to see the people willingly walking to destruction
I don't want to see the manipulation
The lies
The emptiness
The....fake

I was ignorant and it was ok because knowing too much and noticing too much is tiring.
So tiring that I don't know if it's worth teaching others.
Wisdom is a burden though.
it has to be released.
Seeing is pain
Understanding is pain
Being silent is pain
Speaking out is pain.

I asked God for wisdom
So I could be a better man

And I don't even think I'm a better man.

It's Never Them

They make their decisions
They suffer the consequences
They feel the pain
They isolate themselves
They blame anyone but themselves
They think only about how they feel
They ignore the ones who try to help them

And end up hurting those who love them

 

 

Then wonder why everyone leaves

I don't need your validation

I do what I do because it's fun. 
I do what I do because
honestly
I would lose my mind if I didn't

I have to. 
I don't need you to validate it. 
I don't care if you think it's a masterpiece.

I LIKE IT!

I WANT TO DO IT!

I DON'T NEED YOUR VALIDATION.

but sometimes
just
sometimes

it would be nice

Tradition

That's how it's always been
It works so why change it?
Stop being rebellious.
Accept the way things are.
Just shut up and do it this way.

I hate Tradition. I understand it's importance in certain situations but a lot of time it's just lazy. 

Tradition is a curse to creativity.

The funny thing is;
Tradition started when one person decided to do something different

I Once Loved A Girl

and I messed it up. I messed it up because I didn't try. Beautiful girl. Beautiful smile. Beautiful demeanour. Weird laugh.

But

I got distracted. I got distracted by so many temporary things that I messed up something that could be been a lifetime of something magical. 

I think about it sometimes. I've come to the conclusion that the worst thing I could've done for her at that point in my life, was to actually be with her.

As much as her scent drove me crazyyyy.
As much as being around her made life seem extra special. 
As much as she made me feel loved and extremely appreciated.

I was way too self indulged to be with someone that wonderful. I would've destroyed her. 

I will never know what would've come  out of it. In fact I may have changed for her. 

...........

But what if I didn't?

 

Creating is addicting

Creating is like a drug. 

A drug that doesn't destroy but allows the mind to be displayed to the world. 

The end result is beautiful... but then what?

The need to create more. 

Make something else. Make something beautiful. 

Create.

CREATE!

create....

I can't stop

Help me. 

cant

stop

***

Your Opinion Matters to Me

I care about what you say. 

I think people should care what people say.

I will listen to what you have to say. 

I will think over what it was that you said.

I will make changes if I think what you say makes sense

But don't think for one second that you are important enough to me for you to assume that I SHOULD change JUST because you say I should. 

"I'm glad y'all broke up because you were too arrogant"

"It wasn't because of the relationship. It was before that. You just came off as arrogant" 

This is a paraphrase. I'm not in the mood to go back to look for the actual quote, but I'm thankful I was told this because at that point I remember who Ricky before Riki was. The mistake I made in that relationship isn't necessarily a bad thing if I was with someone who actually loved me enough to fight with me for us to work. It was bad because of who I did it with. 

I planned a future and everything revolved around her. There was not a single goal that I made that didn't revolve around her, whether it be location of the indoor basketball gymnasium, or the type of house that was built, or how much I planned on travelling. 

EVERYTHING was built around HER. 

So when I realised that she didn't want to be with me anymore and I gave her the out she wanted, I was LOST. I didn't remember why I did anything anymore so I went to try to get her back and when she gave me no indication that she wanted a future with me, I went into a deep dark depression. I was empty. I had no motivation. 

I knew I made a mistake building my life around her when I told her that I no longer have any motivation because she was my motivation and she told me "I never asked you to do that." I had no confidence. I had really low self esteem. I kept thinking that something was wrong with me. I kept wondering what it was about me that was so horrible that she would just leave and never look back. 

It got worse and worse because it didn't take her long to tell me to move on and return the ring. I wasn't humbled. I was destroyed. 

But when he said that I remembered. "I'm Ricky"

That was the beginning of the serious climb back. I remembered that "arrogance" that they spoke about. It was an overwhelming amount of confidence that people just took as me being full of myself. It wasn't. I'm not arrogant. I'm not cocky. I'm not full of myself. 

I just know I'm the best. 

I forgot that. I forgot that trying to make another human happy. A human who was only there when things were fun and easy. 

I dwelt on that a lot. I blamed her for my depression. I blamed her for the nights I wished I would just fall asleep so the pain would stop. I blamed her for my sitting on the edge of the bed crying to God to please just take me away from here. I understood suicidal people because of her. I hated her. I wished I had never ever met her. I wished she never existed. (i actually still do but that's not the point lol)

But then that statement. "I was too arrogant."

I wasn't arrogant then. I was confident. But when it came to the relationship, I let arrogance overshadow reality. I knew who she was from before the beginning of the relationship. I knew she would check out and leave eventually. That's what she does. She even told me that. But I thought, "nah, she won't do that to Ricky" instead of using wisdom. Through all my confidence I knew that human beings are not to be trusted. Bad habits die hard. I always had confidence in my abilities but the arrogance made me believe that I could change a human being. 

So all the pain. All the hurt. That was MY fault. I knew better. I was never the type to commit 100% to anything that involved another humans decisions. I always left room for error. But arrogance made me a fool. 

I laughed at the moment. There was still pain in my heart but there was that little speck of Ricky somewhere in my heart. I stood up and I looked in the mirror and I cursed myself out for almost an hour.  Everything wasn't fixed at that moment but for the first time in months looking at my face in the mirror covered with water from my tears, I thought;

"Damn. You real good looking though" 

Am I back to being confident? Yes. Even more now. I went through the worst experience of my life and I came back. I crawled back. I stood up and dusted myself back off and realised that people are rooting for me. All of a sudden I could hear the people telling me I'm great. I was seeing that I had impact. I was influential. I spent so much time trying to feel appreciated by one person when many people were screaming to me how much I mean to them. 

Honestly, I feel more like I can't be stopped like never before. I feel my value again. I feel the greatness inside me again. I love it. I LOVE IT!! If he felt arrogance before, he's gonna feel it even more now. 

As much as I went from a smooth stone with a few chips before the relationship to a rough ugly broken chipped up stone now, one thing hasn't changed. I still feel like this rock could do anything.

As to how I feel about her? I don't know. I mean we're not enemies. I don't hate her anymore. Not really. There's bitterness that runs really really really deep that I'm praying would go away, but I no longer worry about her. I no longer want to know how she's doing. I no longer care to see her anymore. I don't even know the last time we spoke and I'm ok with that. 

I do admit I feel bad for her sometimes. I mean... she was with RICKY and let that get away. lol

 

 Look at me trying to be a model! LOL!!

Look at me trying to be a model! LOL!!

Queenie was telling me that she doesn't even read my blogs anymore. I remembered when I wrote a ton of blogs. I need to get back to that. Most of these blogs are so dark and depressing though. I'll do better ;) 

I'm not even reading this over!

Also, MOOD!

This is now my favourite band since I can no longer listen to LInkin Park

Growing Old and Not Succeeding Fast Enough

I spend a lot of time thinking about life. One of the things I've been thinking about a lot lately was growing old. 

The thoughts started when I walked by a house and I saw an elderly lady in bed. She was bed ridden. There was a nurse on the porch just chilling. Every time I pass by I see her looking out the window unable to go anywhere, unable to do anything.

Is this what the future holds for me? 

I'm at a weird point in my life where being alive isn't a big deal. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just don't care to be alive. I don't care about the future. I'm just here thinking of different ways to express myself through art. 

I'm also frustrated because I don't have enough money. I've never been one to care about money but now, I have to. I have to look for ways to make more. I have to try to come up with ideas to add income. 

What annoys me most about this is that I am where I am because I refused to live my life the way my mother wanted me to so she put me out. I am 31 years old and was still expected to not get tattoos, cut my hair, trim my beard, wear the right type of clothes, get a boring 9-5 and waste my life away and all the BS. And because I refused to act like a child, she felt the need to show me that her views on my life are more important then I was. 

It didn't surprise me because my ex was the same way. They say you end up being with a girl that's like your mother and they are so right. 

Before the breakup, the lowest point in my life was probably when my (now) ex and my mother - two of the 4 people that I was working hard for- tried to get me to disregard my life's goal and journey and get a regular 9-5 job. Thinking back on this, me getting a regular job would have been bad for me but good for them. They didn't care about what I wanted or my happiness or goals. They cared about what benefitted them. 

I've learned that a vast majority of people really only care about how you could benefit them and not what they could do to help you. Then there are those who appreciate what efforts you make for them and still make efforts to help you. 

I'm not in the best position financially. Things are getting a bit out of hand. I'm about to have to get help soon. I actually already got help from someone and she doesn't even understand how much it means to me and how I will never ever forget that. I don't forget the people who abandoned me because I didn't become who they wanted me to and I don't forget those who helped me. 

I no longer have it in my heart to prove anyone wrong who doubted me or shove my wins in the face of people who tried to get me to quit. Right now I'm just going with the flow and seeing where life takes me. 

I want to travel. I want to go places I don't know and create masterpieces. 

I feel stuck. 

I hate paying rent because I feel like I have to stay here. 

At this point I'm just putting my thoughts on paper. 

I'm going to stop. 

Discouraged. 

 

 

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Saturday March 17th, 2018

I have accomplished enough today. I spend way too much time on bored panda watching the masterpieces that others have created while feeling frustrated by my own incapabilities.  I hate that I have all this potential and sometimes I spend way too long watching Netflix. 

I want to learn the guitar but I have no idea where to start but I can't today because all I feel like doing is creating something. I don't know what to create. 

My mind went back to secondary school when I drew stickmen in a war and made comics out of Dragon Ball Z. I hated school so much that I wrote probably half of a novel. I was creative. All I wanted to do was create. 

 

I don't know how I got so far away from it. What changed? and why am I all of a sudden feeling the NEED to create again. What does this mean? Why am I wasting time? 

do better Ricky. 

DO BETTER! 

 

I feel nothing

I guess this is better than depression. Actually it is. ANYTHING is better than depression. Either way I lack all forms of motivation. I'm honestly just going through the motions. I'm listening to old school music trying to get some kinda nostalgic feeling. It's like a numb feeling. It's a hollow feeling. 

It's not like depression in that I could still do my work without feeling an overwhelming desire NOT to do it AT ALL. 

Anyway, I just want to feel something. Hopefully something good like hype, or excitement. In the meantime I'm waiting for this coffee to cool so I could take a photo.

 

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Sea Roaches are a thing

Went to the beach yesterday and ate a ton of chicken wings. Like too many chicken wings. I threw the bones in the sea to feed the fishes. 

 

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So then I noticed things running under the sand as soon as the water "went back" (receded? is that right? Went back sounds so weird and wrong). Then I remembered the first time someone told me sea roaches and how to catch them. Then I remembered setting bait for them to use them as bait. We took a piece of fish, tied it to a piece of string, tied that to a stick, stuck it in the sand close to the water's end. They run up in no time. Anyway, they came because of the chicken bones, so I caught one to show y'all.

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Yea that's it.

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Sometimes I don't sleep

I don't really know why. It's not always about me doing work. Sometimes I just don't sleep. Sometimes my mind just wants to stay up. I would close my eyes and let Netflix run in the background in hopes that I just drift off.

But sometimes I don't.

I have sat up in bed and saw light appearing outside. 

The weird thing is I would have energy all day. LITERALLY ALL DAY! When night finally comes again I sometimes go through the same struggle.

Sometimes when I do sleep I get weird dreams. Like WEIRD dreams. I would drift away and a dream I was having months ago that I completely forgot about would just...continue. It's crazy. I do admit that it entertains me but sometimes the dreams left off with me waking up glad that it was all a dream. Now I have to face the consequences for dream Ricky's reckless living. 

I had a good night's rest last night. My dream was weird but it was influenced by watching Travelers on Netflix. Great show! Watch it!

Right now I'm in a weird place emotionally. I'm not depressed. I just feel out of body. I feel like I'm not in reality. I feel like everything is a dream. I'm looking at this view that I've grown so accustomed to and it looks... like... something I've seen on TV. I'm not sure how else to explain it. 

I have to get ready to go do a job then figure out what the rest of the day is going to be like. I need to do a video for youtube. 

I got most of my work done so I should be able to work on that soon. I need to make youtube a priority but now that I have to pay rent, I can't just not do jobs to make that happen. I'll figure it out. I'm Ricky. I always figure things out. I always adapt. Things always work out.

 

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So much to do

I just find it really hard to get my mind focused on one task when I have too much to do. I have to write everything down. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. I get so dizzy and confused. I start to walk up and down trying to complete two tasks at once. I'm annoyed right now so I decided to just write. 

Writing seems like it's taking too much of the little time that I have but it's better than being frustrated.

I hate when I have things to do for people and they aren't getting done. HATE. I don't even know why it bothers me this much. My head hurts. I hardly slept last night. I just want to eat and drink coffee and keep going. That's not healthy. That's not healthy at all. 

I can't think of anything else to do though. I still haven't organised myself for this year yet. I'm battling with whether I should start a Patreon or not. I can't even begin to edit the vlog footage I have. I "took a week off" and I regret it. 

As if I am anywhere close to where I need to be to be taking time off. I have to be crazy. My phone's charging port isn't working and the battery dies really really fast. 

I have the best day of the year yesterday though. Probably gonna get sick because of it but it was worth it.

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My head is spinning. I have work to do. Time to get back to that....

Ok. What do I do now? 

Eat.

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I wanna blog more

but I don't really know what I want to blog about. I do realise that I always spell realise as realize and I'm hoping that I would stop after this sentence. Is this a case of England English vs. American English? I think England English should win since English was named after them. Just saying. I don't think I needed to capitalise (also a s instead of z? really? wow) english. I really overthink this grammar thing. Probably because my mother knocked proper grammar in my head since i was a youngling. I cared about spelling too (the difference between too and to are also very important) but autocorrect made me lazy just like calculators made me never do mental math after school. 

Does that mean I've lost brain power? Does all this easy access to answers make us mentally lazy? Should I TRY to use my brain to do these tasks more? Am I not a millionaire now because I could right click millionare and change it to millionaire (who knew there was an "i")? It would be horrible if I had to actually WRITE a paragraph. Someone told me to write my name recently and the pen felt so unnatural in my hand. is this what I have become? Is this the future? AM I DYING!!?!?! 

Well technically I am. What was I going to say in the first paragraph again?

oh yea...

I do realise that once I start writing a blog then the words would just flow, but I find it difficult to start.

wow lol 

 

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Doubt

Deep thoughts.

Wondering why I do what I do.
Wondering why I try.
Wondering if its even worth it.
Wondering how long it would take before all my work pays off. 

It's hard to believe that I'm not wasting myself sometimes.

Am I delusional? 

I am a pretty confident person, but is that folly? 

I hate doubt but it comes sometimes. Who am I doing this for anymore? Me? Do I even care anymore? 

I was delusional in my previous relationship and look how that turned out. What's to say it won't turn out the same way with my "career" path? 

Should I say how I feel? Who do I talk to? Does anyone care? 

Again, who am I doing this for? I don't remember. I hate not remembering. Why don't I give up? Everyone else gives up on me anyway. 

I hate doubt. Doubt loves me. Doubt leads to discouragement. 

I want to give up.
Live normal.
Love easy.
Be a slave to society.

I can't survive that way for too long though. I'll be depressed. 

I'm already depressed. But then I'll be stressed and depressed. 

I want to give up. 

Sigh.

Who am i kidding? I can't give up. I'm too determined. 

Shut up and accept it then Ricky. Time to keep fighting. 

Keep
Fighting